Thanks a Lot, Mom!!

Someone told me today that I look like my mom.  It’s something I’ve heard before.  I always take it as a compliment, although I don’t really see it.  I know I have some of her features, but Mom was beautiful.  Crazy beautiful.  So while I discount the whole looks thing, I know there are many things that I’ve inherited from my mom.  And some of them are actually good…

Let’s start with that.  One thing that I hope I got from her is a sense of style.  No, I’ll never have the style she did, but I do love clothes.  And shoes.  And handbags.  And accessories.  Do you see the theme here?  Now, currently I live more in jeans, t-shirts, and boots.  It’s a necessary evil of living on a farm.  But I still put on makeup, fix my hair, and usually slip on a pair of earrings every day.  Mom always said, “If I ever leave this house without makeup, take me to the hospital, because I must be sick.” (Sadly, this ended up being a true story.)  While I will leave the house without it occasionally, I prefer to look my best whenever I’m in public.

Another plus is my love of home decorating.  Mom was a GENIUS when it came to this.  She just had a natural flair and talent for it. Mom could put together a room out of mismatched furniture, a few pictures, and her imagination.  I have to work at it, but I really love doing it.  Thank goodness I married a man who has the same tastes as I. 

Something else she gave me – dancing.  I love to dance.  I’m not great at it, but I love it.  Mom was naturally graceful, which I am not, but I do have rhythm.  When I’m home alone, I’m always dancing.  My daughter gets terribly embarrassed if I dance in public, so I try not to, although sometimes it’s tempting just because she does get embarrassed!  If I could have been anything I wanted, it would have been a professional dancer.

As I said, not all Mom’s “hand-me-downs” are positive.  The biggest one I wish she’d kept to herself is her poor dental health!  My mom was a fanatic about dental hygiene.  Brush, floss, go to the dentist twice a year…she did it all.  Yet, she still had major problems.  Mom had a partial as long as I can remember.  I had to be a baby when she first got it.  In later years, the joints in her jaw wore out and she had to have them replaced with titanium. (Go ahead and make any joke you wish about her wearing out her jaws – I’ve heard, and made up, more than you can imagine!)  I’m following suit.  I had multiple fillings when I was a kid, all of which are continually failing as they are prone to do after a number of years.  I’ve had teeth pulled, re-filled, root canals completed, and my wisdom teeth removed.  This week, I get to have yet another root canal, followed later by two extractions, one implant, crowns, and more braces.  It is never ending.  This wouldn’t be so bad, except I HATE the dentist.

Also, my hair.  UGH!!  I’ve always had flat, straight hair.  Once I had my child, it turned frizzy.  Once I started peri-menopause, it started thinning.  Now, it’s flat, frizzy, and falling out.  Wonderful…  I’d like to have at least ONE day before I day where I like my hair.  Just one.

What else did Mom “bless” me with? A weak stomach, a fear of others vomiting, a disdain for messy houses, and a wicked sweet tooth.

Now, before you start thinking I’m ungrateful or disliked my mom, I can promise I’m not.  I loved my mom.  She was a wonderful mother to me.  She was Tessa’s best friend until she died when Tessa was five.  She was my best friend, too.  And I miss her terribly.  So while I moan and complain about all the “bad genes,” I know I was and am lucky to have her as my mother.  Very blessed indeed.

So, thanks a lot Mom.  Really.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

Most days, I am an extrovert.  I love people.  I love talking.  I love parties.  But some days, I wish I were a hermit.  And yes, today is one of those days.

Everything annoyed me today.  For example, my daughter wore her heels to school even after I told her not to, using the excuse, “I didn’t agree with your opinion.”  Short of knocking her into next week, I couldn’t think of a quick enough response before she left for school.

Also, the kitchen was a mess.  That’s normal, but today I simply refused to clean it up.  Do you know how monotonous it is to empty the dishwasher every morning, put the dirty dishes in, wipe off the countertops and the refrigerator handle (which is ALWAYS sticky), and empty the garbage, and so on?  OK – maybe you do know, but today it bugged the hell out of me. Yes, I know it’s not the same as digging ditches.  Who cares – it’s still a pain.

Then the cat was sick.  Not hairball-on-the-floor sick.  She was smelly-poop-every-five-minutes sick.  It’s bad enough when she is well, but I think she must have eaten the butt end of a mouse, because this STANK!

 I was grumpy.  I was tired.  I had a million things to do and didn’t want to do a single one of them.  I didn’t want to watch TV (the news annoyed me, too).  Facebook has gotten too political, too self-centered, and too boring (also annoying).  There was really only one thing I wanted today:

I wanted a little house in the middle of nowhere.  Just a few rooms would be fine: bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and a sitting area.  No electronics. No telephones. No other people. I wanted a million new books that I hadn’t read, just waiting for me.  I wanted fresh fruit, veggies straight from the garden, milk, spring water, a big ole juicy steak, and a big glass of Pinot Grigio.

I wanted my Mastiffs asleep at my feet.  I wanted the windows open and the sound of wind chimes in the breeze.  I wanted to sleep when I wanted, eat when I wanted, and have no one talking to or at me.  I wanted big, fluffy pillows everywhere – the bed, the floor, the chair or sofa.  I wanted comfy clothes, no makeup and short hair.

In short, I wanted to be a hermit.

Instead, I’ll sit here in the dark while everyone else sleeps, listening to the hum of the electrical appliances and the ticking of the old grandfather clock behind me.  Occasionally, I’ll hear my husband snore and my daughter slam the bathroom door as she always does in the middle of the night.  I’ll close the bathroom door against the smell of the cat (again) and put the dogs outside when they get rowdy.  Tomorrow, I’ll clean up the kitchen, watch the news, and argue with the girl over what she wears to school.  I’ll be social and talkative.

But I’ll still wish…

 

UPDATE: Since I didn’t get to post this last night, let me add that the cat threw up on the mifi this morning.  Yay…

 

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

If I had to choose one word to describe my mood today, it would be “uncertain.”  There’s absolutely nothing wrong; no one is sick or hurt or in trouble; there is nothing foreboding in the future.  I simply feel conflicted, like I’m at a crossroads of sorts.

This has been occurring a lot lately.  I’m almost positive it comes from the fact that I turn 50 this year.  That’s a BIG birthday.  It’s one you can’t imagine that you’ll ever reach, because it’s OLD.  Or at least it seems so until it’s a matter of months away, rather than years. 

For me, it feels like a time of change.  Exactly what change, I haven’t figured out.  Some days I think it’s one thing, the next day I feel it’s another.  I feel extremely bi-polar, switching from one extreme to another.  Here’s just a sample:

 

1)      Losing Weight: Most days, I feel the real need to lose about 20 pounds.  I make plans for diet and exercise, looking forward to being slim again in time for my birthday.  Other times, I decide that my husband loves me no matter what I look like, that I love food too much, and that I have far too much to do to worry about exercise.  Which will it be?

 

2)      City or Country: You all know that we live in the country.  I deal daily with mud and animals and an old house and jobs most people don’t have to worry about.  And I love it.  But, while on vacation recently in a big city, I was reminded how much I love city living, too.  The hustle and bustle; the bright lights; walking everywhere instead of driving; the modern feel of it.  Again, opposite ends of the spectrum.  Which one is really me?

 

3)      Age gracefully, or just age:   Some weeks, I faithfully wash my face every evening and apply my $80 wrinkle cream.  I dye my gray hair and apply my make-up in ways that supposedly make me look younger and thinner.  I buy clothes that are age appropriate, yet stylish.  Other weeks, I just don’t give a damn.  Everyone gets older.  I’m half a century old, dammit!  I should be proud of how I look.  Which will it be?

 

4)      Work or get a job:  Contrary to what many people think, stay-at-home moms WORK.  Because we’re home all day, we’re basically expected to do it all.  And that’s fine with me.  Just don’t tell me I don’t have a job!  I was a PAID working mom when Tessa was born.  (I had a job outside the home.)  When we moved back to Tennessee, we decided that it would be in Tessa’s best interest for me to be home with her.  I still haven’t decided it that was a good idea or not!  Now that she’s older, I’ve been thinking about “what if” I went back to work.  This one isn’t quite as hard to choose (ummm…NO!), but it’s still something I’ve been fretting about.

 

5)      Menopause or Not to Menopause:  The first time I thought I was almost done, I went eight months without a period. (Sorry men.)  This time, it was 11 months.  REALLY?  ELEVEN MONTHS???  C’mon, Mother Nature.  Make up your mind!  You let me worry about the facial hair and extra fat; you need to just let it go!

 

You see why I’m uncertain?  Why I’m confused?  Why I think it’s time for a change?

Ah hell…I’m probably just old.

Small Blessings

There are moments in a person’s life that are considered blessings: a marriage, the birth of a child, graduation, etc.  These moments are big blessings – ones that we all hope to receive.  But, just as important, are the small blessings we receive daily.  I’d like to share some of mine.

1)      The feel of my husband’s hand in mine.  I feel safe and protected by the touch.

2)      The light that comes from my daughter’s smile.  It has enough power to light a large city.

3)      The sound of howling dogs.  I can’t explain this one; there’s just something about watching all four of our dogs howl in unison.  It’s nature in its simplest form.  It’s also funny and sweet.

4)      The cat “kissing” me awake in the morning.  I know she just wants to be fed, but she’s so gentle and sweet when she does it, like the kiss of a butterfly.

5)      Watching the chickens.  This is another one I can’t explain.  They are just so much fun.  They have their own community, with its popular group, the older group, the young and feisty group…  Watching them is like watching a soap opera.

6)       Feeding the cardinals.  We have a group of about 25-30 cardinals that regularly feed off the leftover chicken scratch.  I bought a bird feeder for them and they love it.  They have been a literal bright spot during the overcast winter days.

7)      Feeding the fish.  We stocked our creek with trout last year and we were anxious to see if they reproduced this year.  Well, they did – in abundance!  We sit on the bridge and toss out food, then sit back and watch them swim upstream to jump up and grab it.  Again, nature in its glory.

8)      The comfort of my bed at night.  It doesn’t always happen, but that moment when you find the “sweet spot” and you are so comfortable, you hope you never have to move.  It makes me appreciate the fact I have a warm, soft bed to sleep in every night.

9)      Snoring.  I know most people don’t consider this a blessing, but when I hear my child or husband snore (and yes, I do snore, too!), it’s just proof that I’m not alone.

10)   Working in the dirt.  There’s nothing as satisfying to me as working in the yard.  Digging, planting, clearing…it doesn’t matter what I’m doing as long as my hands are dirty and my arms are tired.  It feels important, working the earth.

I’m sure I could think of a hundred more, but I’ll stop at ten.  Now it’s your turn.  Think about your small blessings.  Share them if you wish.  But more importantly, feel them in your heart and be grateful for them.

Love you all.

My Journey to Peace (Or, How to Suck at Meditating)

As I approach 50, I’ve decided to make small changes in my life.  Less sugar, more exercise, reprioritizing, etc…  I’ve decided the second half of my life will be joyful, peaceful, and memorable.

Today I tried meditating.  It’s supposed to be good for the mind and the body.  So I put on my headphones, chose some soothing music, sat in a comfortable spot, and closed my eyes.  Here’s how it went:

(This is my inner voice speaking.)

Ahhh…ok…here we go.  Meditating.  Quiet.  Peaceful.   Empty your mind.  Relax… Ahhh…

(Listening to music; gently swaying with the rhythm)

(Loudly) “I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL…I NEVER HIT SO HARD IN LOVE…”

Oops…I’m supposed to be quiet! Maybe I need to change to another song.  Let’s see…here’s “Home” sung by the Glee cast.

(Listening; eyes closed; gently swaying)

(Loudly) “SETTLE DOWN…IT’LL ALL BE CLEAR!”

Crap!  That’s no good.  Maybe I should try some yoga.  I can meditate and stretch.

(Starts yoga; immediately develops a leg cramp)

Ooof!  That’s not a good sign.  Maybe yoga’s not good for me.  I should start running again.  That’s a good way to meditate.  I wonder if my running gear still fits.  Probably not.  I’ve gained so much weight.  Wonder how much I weigh?  I wonder where the scales are?  Did I put new batteries in it? 

Crap!  There I go again!  Concentrate, Nancy!

(Sit back down with eyes closed; listen quietly to music, trying not to sing along)

Here we go…meditating…meditating…meditating…  I wonder how long I’ve been sitting here?  10 minutes?  15?  How long should I sit here?  My butt’s falling asleep.  Is it okay to move?  I’ll sit here another couple of minutes.

Do de do do…la de la la…wonder what’s on TV?

(Opens one eye and peeks at TV)

Still GMA.  Who’s that? Oh, Melissa Rycroft.  Oh look, she’s pregnant!  How sweet!  Boy she lost that baby fat quickly.  I wish I could lose my baby fat.  Ha!  I’m funny.  My baby is nine years old!  Sigh…she’s getting so big.  I hope she’s having a good day at school.  I could sure use one drama-free day.  I’ve been so stressed out lately.  I wish I had a way to relax.  I enjoy bubble baths, but I need something else.  What could I do? 

Crap!  Here I go AGAIN!  You could relax if you would quit talking to yourself! Concentrate!

(Close eyes yet again and breathes deep)

Relax….relax…ahhhh…here we go.  Relaxing, relaxing, meditating…

(Breathing deeply, relaxing, turning off mind)

Crap!  I have to pee!  Maybe I should just go eat a piece of cake.

 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll try lighting a candle, too…

 

Am I doing this right??

 

The Year of Living Expensively

This has been a costly year for us here on the old homestead.  In addition to the normal expenditures associated with feeding these bottomless pits we call pets, the exorbitant vet bills that come along with horses and dogs the size of horses, and the usual wear and tear expected from a 165-year-old house, we’ve had these lovely, exciting, expensive events:

1)      Rats in the car:  yes, that’s what I said.  Not in the interior of the car, thank goodness, but in the engine.  Rats ate my car.  Or, more specifically, a wire.  Not just any wire, mind you, but the one that controls the diagnostic system.  No system workee, no car startee…  Cost? An arm.

2)      Flat tire: After 33 years of driving, I had my first flat tire while driving.  On the Interstate.  Luckily, I was close to an exit and managed to get off safely.  However, since the tires were nearing their life expectancy anyway, we had all four replaced.   Cost?  A leg.

3)      Broken air-conditioning units 1 AND 2:  Our house is equipped with two HVAC systems – one for each floor.  Being the overachievers we are, we managed to have both of them quit at the same time!  Yay, us!!  In our defense, we had the upper one replaced last year, but because we went through our home warranty company, the proper sized unit was not installed.  So we had to replace it again.  So…brand new unit for downstairs and replacement unit for upstairs.  Cost?  .All four limbs.

4)      Rats in the dishwasher:  Ahhh…the lovely rodents.  This time, they made it into the house.  Yay…  When we pulled out the dishwasher, we found a lovely, pleasant-smelling mouse nest.  (I might be sarcastic here.)  Once again, they had chewed through a wire.  My wonderful hubby, with all his electrical and welding experience, was able to make a quick repair.  Until they chewed through it again two days ago.  Cost?  We don’t know yet.  I’m just going to hand-wash dishes for a while.  Madge?  Where’s the Palmolive?

5)      The laptop: After a few years of plugging and unplugging the charger, the thing-a-ma-jig that it plugs into broke, leaving us unable to charge the laptop.  Fortunately, I found a stand-alone charger that will charge the battery outside of the laptop.  Cost: Just a finger…for now.  Eventually we’ll have to spend another arm to replace the machine all together.

On top of all this, we still need to replace the roof, the guttering, and the dryer.  It. Never. Ends.

OK, I know these are first-world problems.  We have more than a whole lot of people.  And this place is always beautiful and calming.  Which is a good thing, because our next 15 vacations will be spent here in order to pay for all these fixes.

The million dollar view...

(or at least an arm and a leg)

 

 

A Letter to My Daughter

If there is only one lesson that we are able to teach our daughter, I hope it is this: life is HARD, man!

Our nine-year-old has led a fairly charmed life so far. She has, thank God, never had to worry about having enough to eat, or clothes to wear, or having a roof over her head.  We’ve been able to give her all the things she needs, and a lot of what she simply wants.  She’s been on great vacations and attends a private school.  She is a lucky little girl.

I give the most credit for this to God, of course.  He has blessed us greatly.  But beyond that, I want my daughter to know that these things she enjoys don’t come free.  And they certainly don’t come easily.

Life is hard.  There’s no other way to say it.  It is beautiful and it is ugly.  It is full of love and full of hate.  Life is simple, but is it also extremely complex.  It is every cliché that you have ever heard.  One step forward, two steps back.

What I want my daughter to know is that her dad and I have worked hard to get to where we are.  We’ve made extreme sacrifices and tough decisions.  We’ve had wonderful, heavenly times together and horrible, soul-crushing times.  But we keep going.  We keep walking and working and fighting and pushing our way through.  We laugh and we cry.  We are bruised and scarred.  But we are still here.

It seems that our daughter is just beginning to learn that lesson.  Where, before, school was easy, it is now a challenge.  Where life was simple and carefree and full of play, it’s now confusing with the rush of puberty.  She has less time to enjoy life; more work to do. 

I wish this weren’t true.  I wish I could tell her that her life will be wonderful.  That she will never have to endure hardships or heartbreak.  That she will get everything that her heart desires.  But that would be a disservice to her.

Life is hard, my dear baby girl.  It takes courage and commitment to get through it.  You have to fight for what you want, over and over again.  You will awaken some days wondering how you will ever get through it.  You will cry and ask God, “Why me?” 

So as you make this journey of life, remember these things:

Live every moment as best as you can.  Fight hard and love hard.  Fight for what you want.  Fight for those you love.  Don’t run away from life.  Challenge it.  Stand up to it.  Beat it.  No matter how hard life gets, you are stronger.  You will win.  Because the most important lesson isn’t really that life is hard.  It’s this:

Life is beautiful, man.