As I Was Saying....

Do you want to hear an amazing statistic? I typed one whole blog in the past year! Yay, me!!!

Hey, nobody ever accused me of being an overachiever. Besides, things happen, like LIFE. WHATEVER.

So, as I was saying...MENOPAUSE SUCKS!! To all of those freaks of nature women out there who insist on saying they love this phase in their lives (old), that they feel better than ever (plastic surgery), or that they are more comfortable now in their own skin (liposuction), I say $&*%#@*&.

There is NO part of this "stage" that I like. I thought my 40s were rough, but who the hades ever decided that your 50s were any better?? When does THAT start?

The problem is, I've been lucky up to now. I breezed my way through puberty. Periods? No biggie. Acne? Minimal. Weight? Skinny as a rail. And then I had 20 years to prepare for childbirth. (May I highly suggest this? While you may be tired the rest of your life, you have that fabulous pre-baby body for a much longer time.) And that, too, was a breeze. Morning sickness? Nope. Swollen feet or ankles? Nope. Painful childbirth? Nope, and thank you God for inventing epidurals. I could have read a book during labor.

So, you see, I wasn't prepared for this AT ALL. My dearly departed Mother didn't see it at all necessary to warn me about what was coming. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised since we never had the sex talk either.

Here's the rub - for all the good things you lose, you gain 1 million pounds bad things. Let me make an elaborate table (otherwise known as using tabs) to show you:

Good Things Lost:                                  Bad Things Gained:

Thick luxurious hair                                Thick luxurious hair on your chin

Smooth, silky skin                                   Age spots

Your waist                                               A place for your husband to set his beer

Sweet memories                                     What was the question?
Sparkling eyes                                        THE NEED FOR GIANT FONT

Exercising like a beast                            Trying to decide which joint hurts worse that day

In another carefully crafted graphic (or just a list), here are the things I miss the most:

Sleeveless tops (how exactly does one get underarm fat?)

Cheap bras ("You need a size 48 long? That will be $950.")

Light deoderant (The second most needed cure in this world is one for underboob sweat. That stuff is nasty.)

Shaving just my legs and underarms (really, a full body laser job is not beyond serious thought.)

Being able to say, "I wish I could gain some weight!" I actually said that. Yeah, I hate me, too.

Being cold. Seriously, you guys...if hot flashes don't cause weight loss, WHAT'S THE POINT?????

There you have it - a NORMAL woman's perspective on middle-age and menopause. But don't even think this is the last you'll hear from me on this subject! I've still got at least 5-10 more years...of...this.... Crap.