My Journey to Peace (Or, How to Suck at Meditating)

As I approach 50, I’ve decided to make small changes in my life.  Less sugar, more exercise, reprioritizing, etc…  I’ve decided the second half of my life will be joyful, peaceful, and memorable.

Today I tried meditating.  It’s supposed to be good for the mind and the body.  So I put on my headphones, chose some soothing music, sat in a comfortable spot, and closed my eyes.  Here’s how it went:

(This is my inner voice speaking.)

Ahhh…ok…here we go.  Meditating.  Quiet.  Peaceful.   Empty your mind.  Relax… Ahhh…

(Listening to music; gently swaying with the rhythm)

(Loudly) “I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL…I NEVER HIT SO HARD IN LOVE…”

Oops…I’m supposed to be quiet! Maybe I need to change to another song.  Let’s see…here’s “Home” sung by the Glee cast.

(Listening; eyes closed; gently swaying)

(Loudly) “SETTLE DOWN…IT’LL ALL BE CLEAR!”

Crap!  That’s no good.  Maybe I should try some yoga.  I can meditate and stretch.

(Starts yoga; immediately develops a leg cramp)

Ooof!  That’s not a good sign.  Maybe yoga’s not good for me.  I should start running again.  That’s a good way to meditate.  I wonder if my running gear still fits.  Probably not.  I’ve gained so much weight.  Wonder how much I weigh?  I wonder where the scales are?  Did I put new batteries in it? 

Crap!  There I go again!  Concentrate, Nancy!

(Sit back down with eyes closed; listen quietly to music, trying not to sing along)

Here we go…meditating…meditating…meditating…  I wonder how long I’ve been sitting here?  10 minutes?  15?  How long should I sit here?  My butt’s falling asleep.  Is it okay to move?  I’ll sit here another couple of minutes.

Do de do do…la de la la…wonder what’s on TV?

(Opens one eye and peeks at TV)

Still GMA.  Who’s that? Oh, Melissa Rycroft.  Oh look, she’s pregnant!  How sweet!  Boy she lost that baby fat quickly.  I wish I could lose my baby fat.  Ha!  I’m funny.  My baby is nine years old!  Sigh…she’s getting so big.  I hope she’s having a good day at school.  I could sure use one drama-free day.  I’ve been so stressed out lately.  I wish I had a way to relax.  I enjoy bubble baths, but I need something else.  What could I do? 

Crap!  Here I go AGAIN!  You could relax if you would quit talking to yourself! Concentrate!

(Close eyes yet again and breathes deep)

Relax….relax…ahhhh…here we go.  Relaxing, relaxing, meditating…

(Breathing deeply, relaxing, turning off mind)

Crap!  I have to pee!  Maybe I should just go eat a piece of cake.

 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll try lighting a candle, too…

 

Am I doing this right??

 

The Year of Living Expensively

This has been a costly year for us here on the old homestead.  In addition to the normal expenditures associated with feeding these bottomless pits we call pets, the exorbitant vet bills that come along with horses and dogs the size of horses, and the usual wear and tear expected from a 165-year-old house, we’ve had these lovely, exciting, expensive events:

1)      Rats in the car:  yes, that’s what I said.  Not in the interior of the car, thank goodness, but in the engine.  Rats ate my car.  Or, more specifically, a wire.  Not just any wire, mind you, but the one that controls the diagnostic system.  No system workee, no car startee…  Cost? An arm.

2)      Flat tire: After 33 years of driving, I had my first flat tire while driving.  On the Interstate.  Luckily, I was close to an exit and managed to get off safely.  However, since the tires were nearing their life expectancy anyway, we had all four replaced.   Cost?  A leg.

3)      Broken air-conditioning units 1 AND 2:  Our house is equipped with two HVAC systems – one for each floor.  Being the overachievers we are, we managed to have both of them quit at the same time!  Yay, us!!  In our defense, we had the upper one replaced last year, but because we went through our home warranty company, the proper sized unit was not installed.  So we had to replace it again.  So…brand new unit for downstairs and replacement unit for upstairs.  Cost?  .All four limbs.

4)      Rats in the dishwasher:  Ahhh…the lovely rodents.  This time, they made it into the house.  Yay…  When we pulled out the dishwasher, we found a lovely, pleasant-smelling mouse nest.  (I might be sarcastic here.)  Once again, they had chewed through a wire.  My wonderful hubby, with all his electrical and welding experience, was able to make a quick repair.  Until they chewed through it again two days ago.  Cost?  We don’t know yet.  I’m just going to hand-wash dishes for a while.  Madge?  Where’s the Palmolive?

5)      The laptop: After a few years of plugging and unplugging the charger, the thing-a-ma-jig that it plugs into broke, leaving us unable to charge the laptop.  Fortunately, I found a stand-alone charger that will charge the battery outside of the laptop.  Cost: Just a finger…for now.  Eventually we’ll have to spend another arm to replace the machine all together.

On top of all this, we still need to replace the roof, the guttering, and the dryer.  It. Never. Ends.

OK, I know these are first-world problems.  We have more than a whole lot of people.  And this place is always beautiful and calming.  Which is a good thing, because our next 15 vacations will be spent here in order to pay for all these fixes.

The million dollar view...

(or at least an arm and a leg)