Ch-ch-ch-changes...

If I had to choose one word to describe my mood today, it would be “uncertain.”  There’s absolutely nothing wrong; no one is sick or hurt or in trouble; there is nothing foreboding in the future.  I simply feel conflicted, like I’m at a crossroads of sorts.

This has been occurring a lot lately.  I’m almost positive it comes from the fact that I turn 50 this year.  That’s a BIG birthday.  It’s one you can’t imagine that you’ll ever reach, because it’s OLD.  Or at least it seems so until it’s a matter of months away, rather than years. 

For me, it feels like a time of change.  Exactly what change, I haven’t figured out.  Some days I think it’s one thing, the next day I feel it’s another.  I feel extremely bi-polar, switching from one extreme to another.  Here’s just a sample:

 

1)      Losing Weight: Most days, I feel the real need to lose about 20 pounds.  I make plans for diet and exercise, looking forward to being slim again in time for my birthday.  Other times, I decide that my husband loves me no matter what I look like, that I love food too much, and that I have far too much to do to worry about exercise.  Which will it be?

 

2)      City or Country: You all know that we live in the country.  I deal daily with mud and animals and an old house and jobs most people don’t have to worry about.  And I love it.  But, while on vacation recently in a big city, I was reminded how much I love city living, too.  The hustle and bustle; the bright lights; walking everywhere instead of driving; the modern feel of it.  Again, opposite ends of the spectrum.  Which one is really me?

 

3)      Age gracefully, or just age:   Some weeks, I faithfully wash my face every evening and apply my $80 wrinkle cream.  I dye my gray hair and apply my make-up in ways that supposedly make me look younger and thinner.  I buy clothes that are age appropriate, yet stylish.  Other weeks, I just don’t give a damn.  Everyone gets older.  I’m half a century old, dammit!  I should be proud of how I look.  Which will it be?

 

4)      Work or get a job:  Contrary to what many people think, stay-at-home moms WORK.  Because we’re home all day, we’re basically expected to do it all.  And that’s fine with me.  Just don’t tell me I don’t have a job!  I was a PAID working mom when Tessa was born.  (I had a job outside the home.)  When we moved back to Tennessee, we decided that it would be in Tessa’s best interest for me to be home with her.  I still haven’t decided it that was a good idea or not!  Now that she’s older, I’ve been thinking about “what if” I went back to work.  This one isn’t quite as hard to choose (ummm…NO!), but it’s still something I’ve been fretting about.

 

5)      Menopause or Not to Menopause:  The first time I thought I was almost done, I went eight months without a period. (Sorry men.)  This time, it was 11 months.  REALLY?  ELEVEN MONTHS???  C’mon, Mother Nature.  Make up your mind!  You let me worry about the facial hair and extra fat; you need to just let it go!

 

You see why I’m uncertain?  Why I’m confused?  Why I think it’s time for a change?

Ah hell…I’m probably just old.

Small Blessings

There are moments in a person’s life that are considered blessings: a marriage, the birth of a child, graduation, etc.  These moments are big blessings – ones that we all hope to receive.  But, just as important, are the small blessings we receive daily.  I’d like to share some of mine.

1)      The feel of my husband’s hand in mine.  I feel safe and protected by the touch.

2)      The light that comes from my daughter’s smile.  It has enough power to light a large city.

3)      The sound of howling dogs.  I can’t explain this one; there’s just something about watching all four of our dogs howl in unison.  It’s nature in its simplest form.  It’s also funny and sweet.

4)      The cat “kissing” me awake in the morning.  I know she just wants to be fed, but she’s so gentle and sweet when she does it, like the kiss of a butterfly.

5)      Watching the chickens.  This is another one I can’t explain.  They are just so much fun.  They have their own community, with its popular group, the older group, the young and feisty group…  Watching them is like watching a soap opera.

6)       Feeding the cardinals.  We have a group of about 25-30 cardinals that regularly feed off the leftover chicken scratch.  I bought a bird feeder for them and they love it.  They have been a literal bright spot during the overcast winter days.

7)      Feeding the fish.  We stocked our creek with trout last year and we were anxious to see if they reproduced this year.  Well, they did – in abundance!  We sit on the bridge and toss out food, then sit back and watch them swim upstream to jump up and grab it.  Again, nature in its glory.

8)      The comfort of my bed at night.  It doesn’t always happen, but that moment when you find the “sweet spot” and you are so comfortable, you hope you never have to move.  It makes me appreciate the fact I have a warm, soft bed to sleep in every night.

9)      Snoring.  I know most people don’t consider this a blessing, but when I hear my child or husband snore (and yes, I do snore, too!), it’s just proof that I’m not alone.

10)   Working in the dirt.  There’s nothing as satisfying to me as working in the yard.  Digging, planting, clearing…it doesn’t matter what I’m doing as long as my hands are dirty and my arms are tired.  It feels important, working the earth.

I’m sure I could think of a hundred more, but I’ll stop at ten.  Now it’s your turn.  Think about your small blessings.  Share them if you wish.  But more importantly, feel them in your heart and be grateful for them.

Love you all.