Christmas Gift Guide (Or What I Want Someone To Buy Me)

Now that Thanksgiving is over and the Christmas season has started, (Seriously people, it does NOT start the day after Halloween! Don't rush me!) I'd like to give some suggestions for Christmas presents that are actually useful, if not very creative, for those hard-to-buy-for people:

1. Granny panties: Pretty panties are fine - little, lacy thongs that barely cover one cheek...IF YOU ARE 20!! Let's be honest - if you are over the age of 30, have kids, or really don't like the feeling of a string in your nether-regions, you wear granny panties. The kind that cover your whole tush, have a waistband above your bikini line, and, if you're lucky, keep your jelly belly held in. Buy them in bulk; they're cheaper that way.
2. Diapers: Adult or baby diapers; just depends on the recipient. What I do know is that you never have enough. Both kinds are expensive and both are needed on a daily, if not hourly, basis. For those in the adult category, a mail-order subscription saves both you and the recipient the embarassment of a check-out clerk asking for a price check over the intercom. "Price check on adult diapers for line 7, please!"
3. Pens and/or pencils: You can ignore this one if you can answer one question: can you locate a writing utensil in your house within 5 minutes? I didn't think so. A pack of 100 should last for about a week.
4. Antacids: This one is a no-brainer. After full Thanksgiving/Christmas dinners at your mother's house, your in-laws house, your office party, and those friends who insist on inviting you to their party every year, you're going to need this. The food, the stress, the traveling, the mother-in-law asking when you are going to start a family...stock up on this one.
5. Wine: I don't think I need to explain this one. Family get-togethers, shopping crowds, traffic...you get the point.
6. Gift cards: I don't mean a card to some random restaurant that the recipient has never been to and probably never will. I'm talking liquor stores, home improvement shops, drugs stores and Walmart. Places that we ALL buy from, whether we want to admit it or not.
7. Pet supplies: If your friend has pets (let's say, for example, four large dogs...) a gift card to a pet store or a large shipment of Purina One Large Breed Dog Food (just an example) is a great gift. Because there's nothing worse than realizing you ran out of dog food while three English Mastiffs and one Great Pyrenees are staring at you. Or so I've heard.
8. Headphones: These are especially appreciated by parents, spouses of snorers, and/or teachers. If your recipient is all three, throw in a bottle of Jack Daniels.
9. Bacon: I have no reasoning for this other than I had a craving for it just now and wished someone would buy me a big ole load of bacon, preferably already cooked. And no turkey bacon!! Please...I'm pretty sure that if Jesus had eaten bacon, (Yes, I know he was a Jew; that's why I added the "if"!) he would have eaten the real stuff. Bacon from a bird? Freaks.
10. Cash: Because there's no one on the face of the earth who can't spend cold, hard cash.

I hope this list helps you buy for those difficult people. Or for me. Except for #2; I obviously don't need those...

The Downfall of Society

If there is one thing that we, as a society, are failing at, it is this: common courtesy.

We are living in the rudest, most selfish time I can remember. Please and thank yous are rare; "ma'am" and "sir" are practically obsolete; and just see how many people still hold the door open for you.

Our children aren't taught manners any more. They act out, push and shove their way to the front of lines, yell at others, and in general make a nuisance out of themselves. Their parents, being rude as well, ignore them, hoping they will just stop, instead of teaching them how to correct this behavior.

Rudeness is rampant. From the sales person who talks on his or her phone while ringing up your purchases to the customer who wants to speak to the manager because she was overcharged 5 cents on that can of peas. The person who cuts you off in traffic and then flips you the bird as if you were the one who got in his/her way. From the child who yells at his/her parent when they can't have a candy bar to the parent who yells back at them or smacks them in retaliation.

We've forgotten how to be nice. We don't help people who obviously are struggling. We don't send thank you notes. We don't call friends. We only care about ourselves and how others can help us.

I'll admit I'm guilty of these things at times. I don't check in with my dad or my sisters often enough. I don't stop to help someone if I'm in a hurry myself. I get irritated with other people (ya think?!) and speak out of turn. We all do it.

Bear with me while I re-tell this story:

"A Jew going on a trip from Jerusalem to Jericho was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes and money, and beat him up and left him lying half dead beside the road.

By chance, a Jewish priest came along; and when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by.

A Jewish temple assistant (Levite) walked over and looked at him lying there, but went on.

But a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw him, he felt deep pity. Kneeling beside him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with medicine and bandaged them, then he put the man on his donkey and walked along beside him till they came to an inn, where he nursed him through the night." Luke 10:30-34

The beloved story of the Good Samaritan. The best example of loving thy neighbor. Wouldn't it be great if we could be like that?

The holiday season starts this week. Along with it comes Black Friday, traveling, seeing family, etc. So many opportunities to do good, but just as many opportunities to be rude and selfish. This year, let's make a pact to do good, not evil. Even if it's just one instance, try to do something nice for someone. Hold open a door, pick up a dropped item, say "Good Morning," let someone go in front of you in line. Anything to let another human being know you care.

I care about you. Love you all.

Opposites Attract

My husband and I don't work on paper. No one would look at our likes and dislikes and think this marriage is feasible. I give you the following examples:

He's a hard-core Republican; I'm a mostly-Democrat, sometimes-Republican, sometimes-neither. Or in his words, wishy-washy. I don't know how this happened. This is twice I've married a Republican. I've learned that talking about politics is a HUGE no-no! And hubby really does know much, much more than I do about such things, so I usually just keep my mouth shut and then vote my heart.

He's mountains; I'm the beach. (I said "beach" people! B-E-A-C-H! Not the other word!) While I love the mountains, it's not where I would want to spend day after day after day. A few days of the views and the quiet are enough for me. The beach, however...I could like FOREVAH on the beach! But, unfortunately, hubby feels the same about the beach that I do the mountains. If we could find a place in the mountains near the beach...!!

He loves hot sausage; I like it mild. Ok, maybe that's a bad example.

He's messy; I'm neat. Here's a note of advice to young people thinking of marrying - if you are dating someone who is the opposite of you in regards to neatness, make sure you can handle it. Just as you will not change, neither will they. For the most part, I can handle it, but there are times where I lose my cool! Then I just clean up the mess myself, which I should have just done to begin with.

He's more reckless; I'm cautionary. As with most dads, he's the "fun parent." That's because he is able to let the kid do more and try more on her own. He worries less. He likes to drive fast, fly planes, ride horses, and climb on motorcycles. I like to read.

He likes hard news; I like fluff. Oh, I listen to the news, too, but I watch once and I'm done. Hubby could watch news channels all. day. long. I love celebrity news, fashion, and cartoons. What can I say?

So, you see what I mean? On paper, we suck. But here's the thing - WE WORK!!! We do it! We have an awesome marriage! How? Like this:

We respect each other and each other's opinions. Period.

We laugh often, especially at ourselves. There's nothing this family loves more than a hardy laugh. The more sarcastic, the better. Our sense of humor is definitely in sync.

We work well together. We've learned that, when completing projects, only one person can be in charge. The other person is there to simply help and do what he or she is told. We know what our individual strengths are, and we take the lead in those situations.

We are still attracted to each other. Heaven knows we've both changed physically in the last 13 years. But hubby tells me all the time that he only sees the girl he fell in love with. And I still see my knight in shining armor. We still would rather be with each other than anyone else.

Marriage is hard work. It's not happily ever after. It's struggling, and fighting, and working your way together to a common ground. It's a roller coaster ride that never stops at the station. But is it worth it? You bet it is!

No matter how our marriage looks, on paper or in real life, I can still say with all sincerity and honesty - I have the best husband in the world for me. I love you, baby.

Let Me Get this Off My Chest...



The Middle-School Mom's Rap

(With my apologies to all rappers out there, even the bad ones.)



 

 

Let me tell you bout a little pet peeve of mine;

It's cheaters in the middle school pick-up line.

It happened to me just the other day;

So listen here closely what I'm gonna say.

 

My day was was great, I was feeling fine.

I got there first, at the head of the line.

I glimpsed in my mirror and what did I see?

A known line-cheater in his SUV.

 

I watched as he pulled in front of me;

Turned off the ignition and pushed back his seat

I sat there a minute, tried to count to ten.

But you can probably guess what happened then.

 

I got mad, mad, mad, mad. I got mad, mad, mad, mad.

I got mad, mad, mad, mad. I got mad. Boy I got mad.

 

I got out my car and I walked to his door; I said,

"Roll down your window; let me tell you what for!"

He rolled down his window, said "What do you want?"

I said, "You better get comfy, I'm about to say a lot."

 

"You see, I been sittin here since quarter to two.

I always try to be number one or two.

Then here you come a drivin like you own this place.

You flaunt your disobedience right up in my face."

 

I got mad, mad, mad, mad. I got mad, mad, mad, mad.

I got mad, mad, mad, mad. I got mad. Boy I got mad.

 

"You passed 50 cars on your way up here.

I don't know what you thought they were doing there.

I guess you thought that you were better than us.

Sliding up here right behind the bus."

 

"Well let me tell you that ain't the way it works.

I'm ain't putting up with no cheatin jerks!

So if you want to pick up your kid, my friend,

I suggest you drive right back to the end."

 

I got mad, mad, mad, mad. I got mad, mad, mad, mad.

I got mad, mad, mad, mad. I got mad. Boy I got mad.

 

He called me a name and he turned away from me,

But before he shut his window, I reached in and grabbed his key.

I threw it just as hard as my old arm could.

I threw it in the bushes where it hid real good.

 

I walked to my car sayin, 'Have a good day!"

The people behind me were all looking my way.

I started hearin cheerin from near and far;

I gave them all a wave as I got in my car.

 

He got mad, mad, mad, mad. He got mad, mad, mad, mad.

He got mad, mad, mad, mad. Boy he got mad.

 

He sped off in his little ole SUV,

and as he did he flipped a big ole bird at me.

I gave a smile and a great big wave.

I haven't seen him back since that very day.

 

I got mad, mad, mad, mad. I got mad, mad, mad, mad.

I got mad, mad, mad, mad.

 

I got middle school, mothers rule, get in line, we just fine, take no crap, listen that mad.

P.S. None of this actually happened, but in my mind, this is how it went down. I'm a bad ass. In my own mind.

Paris and Beyond

Being a child of the new millenium, my daughter has never known a world before 9/11. The date in modern history that divides two eras: the one of trust and respect and the relative lack of fear, and the one we now live in - an era of hate and fear and distrust.

She's never known a time before schools had to practice lock-down steps in case of an intruder. Or being able to wait at the gates of airports for loved ones to arrive by plane. Of kids walking home alone from school or playing outside all day without worry. Where parents didn't have to put their child's fingerprints in a database in case of abduction. A world where sex trafficking was a story in a movie, not another threat to which you must warn your child.

No Internet predators, no kids bullying each other to the point of suicide, no school policies that disallow even shaping your fingers into pretend guns. She's never played cowboys and Indians, Red Rover, or fallen off of monkey bars.

The world has changed so much. When her dad and I were kids, we got dirty, we got scraped and cut, and fell off of swings going too high. We ate watermelon outside without washing out hands. Hand sanitizer? Pfft. Sure, our parents worried about things like polio, the U.S.S.R., and the Cuban Missile Crisis. But kids were kids. We were free and wild.

And then the world changed forever. In a matter of hours, all of that disappeared, along with the steel and mortar and people inside those buildings and airplanes. Trust disappeared, along with compassion, love, and respect for our fellow man. Childhood disappeared, only to be replaced with having to raise little adults, if simply for their own safety.

With yesterday's terrorists attacks in Paris, we are reminded once again of this. While parents watch the news wide-eyed in horror, children go about their day. After all, this is "normal" in their lives now. They've grown up knowing terrorists attacks. It's just another day in their eyes.

I miss the days before 9/11. I miss open doors and free travel and trusting your neighbor no matter of race or religion. I miss families watching ONE television together at night, and reading ourselves to sleep instead of playing on electronic devices. I miss children being children. I miss love.

Things will change yet again after yesterday. There will be even more restrictions and more safety measures and more fear. And we'll all go along with it because we have no other choice. But at night, when I'm trying to sleep with all the images and thoughts of the last 14 years running through my head, I'm going to try instead to remember running wild and free. I will treasure those innocent times.

I love you all.

Church and Christianity - They're Not the Same Thing

I've been thinking a lot about church lately. Maybe not church so much, but about Jesus and Christianity and being good people. Because church and Christians don't necessarily go together. I've known people who are in church every time the door opens, but aren't good Christians. And I've known people who could sit on the right hand of God who don't always go to church. As a former boss of mine used to say (what up, Lester!), "There are church folk and there are Christians; they aren't always the same thing."

Don't get me wrong - church is wonderful! It's a place to publicly glorify God and share your testimony. And many, many good Christians attend church with pure hearts and intentions. My grandparents were like that. My grandfather was a preacher at a little Church of God that he started and built, literally, from the ground up. My grandmother was the dearest angel that ever walked the earth. But there are also those who attend just to be seen.

Church can be scary for some people. Anyone outside the "norm" as seen by the church can feel shunned or ashamed. It's assumed that only good people can attend church! Church isn't for sinners! Only the upstanding, righteous, well-bred can attend church! Well...no. Here's the truth for you, folks - CHURCH IS FOR SINNERS!

And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners." Mark 2:17

You see, Jesus said it himself! He came to call the sinners! And if Jesus can love all sinners, shouldn't we accept them into our churches?

And speaking of churches, does a building, a choir, a preacher, an offering define church? Does a church have to have pews, deacons, kneeling benches, an organ? I don't think so. Jesus didn't preach in churches. He preached wherever people needed him. He didn't show favoritism to those in a physical church. He knew sinners were everywhere and he went where he was needed.

My family doesn't attend "church" on a regular basis. We don't fit in with the new church - the audio/visuals, the casual dress code, the contemporary music. We're old school. If I wore pants into a church building, I think I would have a stroke! My grandfather would appear before me and speak in tongues! Give me "The Old Rugged Cross" over any Christian music published in the last 20 years. We just don't enjoy the "new" church. But we do love, worship, and glorify God.

Church for us can be anywhere: the mountains; next to our creek; the top of the treehouse; the dining room table. We know when and where we need Jesus. We pray, we praise, we thank God in our own ways. We try, and fail, daily to be good Christians. Isn't that what Christianity is about? Trying to be our best, failing, and being forgiven? Isn't Christianity about love and forgiveness? Isn't that the real message God sent to us in the form of Jesus - love and forgiveness?

If you attend a church on a regular basis, I say "Hurray!" Church is an important part of many, many peoples lives. If you don't attend a church, but continue to praise God in your own unique way, I say "Hurray!" Your way is as good as any other. If you don't believe in God, don't believe in "church", or just don't care one way or another, I say "Hurray!" Because there's one more person that I can reach. One more person that we, as Christians, can minister to, testify to, and love. One more person to offer eternal forgiveness. One more person who can love Jesus in whatever way they choose.

Christianity isn't a building. It's you. Show your "church" however you do it best. And know that you are loved and forgiven. Always.

It's The Best Medicine

There are any number of reasons that I adore my little family of three: they accept me as I am, they fill my heart with love and pride, and I truly enjoy their company. But the biggest reason I love them so much is simple - they make me laugh!

I'm a firm believer that laughing every day keeps you healthy. Not just a giggle here or there, but a full-on belly laugh; the kind that makes your nose run, your stomach hurt, and your face look like you've been hit with an ugly stick!

Unfortunately (for them), most belly laughs come at the expense of others. There is nothing that will bring a true LOL quicker than someone falling down. Watch a guy injure his nether regions on a fence post? Hilarious!! See a drunk try to dance on a table top? Priceless!! Someone jump out of a trash can to scare their friends? Gut-busting!!

It's really not fair that we get our greatest joy out of others misfortunes, but such is life. We have to learn to laugh at our own misfortunes as well. If I didn't laugh at all our farm mishaps, I would go crazy! I mean, look...I step in some kind of poop every day. Rabbit, chicken, cat...it could be anything. My days are full of smelling, finding, and cleaning up animal poop. But instead of getting upset about it, I've decided to pretend it's good for my skin and go with it. And truthfully, I have marvelously soft soles!

I like to think that I'm kinda funny. I sure try! But I'm still learning and studying. I have quite a few "teachers" that I follow: Julia Louis Dreyfuss, Ellen Degeneres, Wanda Sykes, Jen Hatmaker, Beth Woolsey...they are all funny in different, but equally hilarious ways. Mostly, they have learned to tell stories about their own lives in a humorous way. That's what I want to do. And luckily, I have a built-in partner that helps me: my husband!

From the first time I made him laugh by calling him a food whore, to last night when he asked if my new broom was a second car, we laugh. Often and happily. So I'll keep trying to make you laugh. Sometimes I'll succeed, sometimes I'll bomb. (Boy, THERE'S a metaphor for life!) But in any case, I want you to laugh. Be happy! Look for joy! And if that fails, jump off the roof onto a trampoline and see what that gets ya!

As I Was Saying....

Do you want to hear an amazing statistic? I typed one whole blog in the past year! Yay, me!!!

Hey, nobody ever accused me of being an overachiever. Besides, things happen, like LIFE. WHATEVER.

So, as I was saying...MENOPAUSE SUCKS!! To all of those freaks of nature women out there who insist on saying they love this phase in their lives (old), that they feel better than ever (plastic surgery), or that they are more comfortable now in their own skin (liposuction), I say $&*%#@*&.

There is NO part of this "stage" that I like. I thought my 40s were rough, but who the hades ever decided that your 50s were any better?? When does THAT start?

The problem is, I've been lucky up to now. I breezed my way through puberty. Periods? No biggie. Acne? Minimal. Weight? Skinny as a rail. And then I had 20 years to prepare for childbirth. (May I highly suggest this? While you may be tired the rest of your life, you have that fabulous pre-baby body for a much longer time.) And that, too, was a breeze. Morning sickness? Nope. Swollen feet or ankles? Nope. Painful childbirth? Nope, and thank you God for inventing epidurals. I could have read a book during labor.

So, you see, I wasn't prepared for this AT ALL. My dearly departed Mother didn't see it at all necessary to warn me about what was coming. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised since we never had the sex talk either.

Here's the rub - for all the good things you lose, you gain 1 million pounds bad things. Let me make an elaborate table (otherwise known as using tabs) to show you:

Good Things Lost:                                  Bad Things Gained:

Thick luxurious hair                                Thick luxurious hair on your chin

Smooth, silky skin                                   Age spots

Your waist                                               A place for your husband to set his beer

Sweet memories                                     What was the question?
Sparkling eyes                                        THE NEED FOR GIANT FONT

Exercising like a beast                            Trying to decide which joint hurts worse that day

In another carefully crafted graphic (or just a list), here are the things I miss the most:

Sleeveless tops (how exactly does one get underarm fat?)

Cheap bras ("You need a size 48 long? That will be $950.")

Light deoderant (The second most needed cure in this world is one for underboob sweat. That stuff is nasty.)

Shaving just my legs and underarms (really, a full body laser job is not beyond serious thought.)

Being able to say, "I wish I could gain some weight!" I actually said that. Yeah, I hate me, too.

Being cold. Seriously, you guys...if hot flashes don't cause weight loss, WHAT'S THE POINT?????

There you have it - a NORMAL woman's perspective on middle-age and menopause. But don't even think this is the last you'll hear from me on this subject! I've still got at least 5-10 more years...of...this.... Crap.