Ch-ch-ch-changes...

If I had to choose one word to describe my mood today, it would be “uncertain.”  There’s absolutely nothing wrong; no one is sick or hurt or in trouble; there is nothing foreboding in the future.  I simply feel conflicted, like I’m at a crossroads of sorts.

This has been occurring a lot lately.  I’m almost positive it comes from the fact that I turn 50 this year.  That’s a BIG birthday.  It’s one you can’t imagine that you’ll ever reach, because it’s OLD.  Or at least it seems so until it’s a matter of months away, rather than years. 

For me, it feels like a time of change.  Exactly what change, I haven’t figured out.  Some days I think it’s one thing, the next day I feel it’s another.  I feel extremely bi-polar, switching from one extreme to another.  Here’s just a sample:

 

1)      Losing Weight: Most days, I feel the real need to lose about 20 pounds.  I make plans for diet and exercise, looking forward to being slim again in time for my birthday.  Other times, I decide that my husband loves me no matter what I look like, that I love food too much, and that I have far too much to do to worry about exercise.  Which will it be?

 

2)      City or Country: You all know that we live in the country.  I deal daily with mud and animals and an old house and jobs most people don’t have to worry about.  And I love it.  But, while on vacation recently in a big city, I was reminded how much I love city living, too.  The hustle and bustle; the bright lights; walking everywhere instead of driving; the modern feel of it.  Again, opposite ends of the spectrum.  Which one is really me?

 

3)      Age gracefully, or just age:   Some weeks, I faithfully wash my face every evening and apply my $80 wrinkle cream.  I dye my gray hair and apply my make-up in ways that supposedly make me look younger and thinner.  I buy clothes that are age appropriate, yet stylish.  Other weeks, I just don’t give a damn.  Everyone gets older.  I’m half a century old, dammit!  I should be proud of how I look.  Which will it be?

 

4)      Work or get a job:  Contrary to what many people think, stay-at-home moms WORK.  Because we’re home all day, we’re basically expected to do it all.  And that’s fine with me.  Just don’t tell me I don’t have a job!  I was a PAID working mom when Tessa was born.  (I had a job outside the home.)  When we moved back to Tennessee, we decided that it would be in Tessa’s best interest for me to be home with her.  I still haven’t decided it that was a good idea or not!  Now that she’s older, I’ve been thinking about “what if” I went back to work.  This one isn’t quite as hard to choose (ummm…NO!), but it’s still something I’ve been fretting about.

 

5)      Menopause or Not to Menopause:  The first time I thought I was almost done, I went eight months without a period. (Sorry men.)  This time, it was 11 months.  REALLY?  ELEVEN MONTHS???  C’mon, Mother Nature.  Make up your mind!  You let me worry about the facial hair and extra fat; you need to just let it go!

 

You see why I’m uncertain?  Why I’m confused?  Why I think it’s time for a change?

Ah hell…I’m probably just old.