Christmas Gift Guide (Or What I Want Someone To Buy Me)

Now that Thanksgiving is over and the Christmas season has started, (Seriously people, it does NOT start the day after Halloween! Don't rush me!) I'd like to give some suggestions for Christmas presents that are actually useful, if not very creative, for those hard-to-buy-for people:

1. Granny panties: Pretty panties are fine - little, lacy thongs that barely cover one cheek...IF YOU ARE 20!! Let's be honest - if you are over the age of 30, have kids, or really don't like the feeling of a string in your nether-regions, you wear granny panties. The kind that cover your whole tush, have a waistband above your bikini line, and, if you're lucky, keep your jelly belly held in. Buy them in bulk; they're cheaper that way.
2. Diapers: Adult or baby diapers; just depends on the recipient. What I do know is that you never have enough. Both kinds are expensive and both are needed on a daily, if not hourly, basis. For those in the adult category, a mail-order subscription saves both you and the recipient the embarassment of a check-out clerk asking for a price check over the intercom. "Price check on adult diapers for line 7, please!"
3. Pens and/or pencils: You can ignore this one if you can answer one question: can you locate a writing utensil in your house within 5 minutes? I didn't think so. A pack of 100 should last for about a week.
4. Antacids: This one is a no-brainer. After full Thanksgiving/Christmas dinners at your mother's house, your in-laws house, your office party, and those friends who insist on inviting you to their party every year, you're going to need this. The food, the stress, the traveling, the mother-in-law asking when you are going to start a family...stock up on this one.
5. Wine: I don't think I need to explain this one. Family get-togethers, shopping crowds, traffic...you get the point.
6. Gift cards: I don't mean a card to some random restaurant that the recipient has never been to and probably never will. I'm talking liquor stores, home improvement shops, drugs stores and Walmart. Places that we ALL buy from, whether we want to admit it or not.
7. Pet supplies: If your friend has pets (let's say, for example, four large dogs...) a gift card to a pet store or a large shipment of Purina One Large Breed Dog Food (just an example) is a great gift. Because there's nothing worse than realizing you ran out of dog food while three English Mastiffs and one Great Pyrenees are staring at you. Or so I've heard.
8. Headphones: These are especially appreciated by parents, spouses of snorers, and/or teachers. If your recipient is all three, throw in a bottle of Jack Daniels.
9. Bacon: I have no reasoning for this other than I had a craving for it just now and wished someone would buy me a big ole load of bacon, preferably already cooked. And no turkey bacon!! Please...I'm pretty sure that if Jesus had eaten bacon, (Yes, I know he was a Jew; that's why I added the "if"!) he would have eaten the real stuff. Bacon from a bird? Freaks.
10. Cash: Because there's no one on the face of the earth who can't spend cold, hard cash.

I hope this list helps you buy for those difficult people. Or for me. Except for #2; I obviously don't need those...