Weird Things Happen

Weird things happen to us, you know. Some strange-weird and some funny-weird and some what-the-hell-weird. We're not quite weird enough for reality tv or funny enough for a sitcom, but we make do with what we've got.

We have weird house things:

There was the time the lady crashed into our front yard, taking out part of the original brick wall that borders the driveway. Neither she nor her son, who was riding with her, were seriously hurt, but her vehicle and our wall were done for. Oh, the rooster was also ok. What rooster, you ask? The one in the front seat, of course! Doesn't everyone hold their rooster in their lap in the front seat after it loses an illegal cock fight? No?? Huh...

At our previous residence, we had a neighbor who was, shall we say, involved. To be blunt, she was so nosy, she probably knew every time one of us passed gas. She had her home office set up so she could clearly see our house while she worked at her desk. Yet she somehow missed someone driving into our driveway and removing a large and extremely heavy heat pump from the side of our house and driving off with it. And yes, the side that faced her house.

There was the tree that crushed our truck and our fence, then the other tree that crushed the trampoline. We have several old trees in our front yard that are at least twice the height of our house. We're just waiting.

I remember the Winter Don decided to be proactive and stack a load of wood in case we lost power. The electrical wires fell on the wood pile. Think about that...

We've replaced two dishwashers after mice have chewed through the wiring. They also got the Lexus one time. Don's bathroom now has no heat because they chewed through the ducts.

We've replaced a roof, a few dryers, three HVAC systems, fencing, brick walls, and crushed vehicles. No wonder we're poor!

There are the weird animal stories:

We once sold our goats to a nice man and his father. Actually, we told them they could have them for free, but they would have to catch them. Nearly an hour later, the goats were in their truck and the younger man was on his way to have his most likely broken hand checked out. Let's just say the goat had a good fake-off game.

We had one cat who lost his mind and would open and then hide in the kitchen cabinets. Our current cat sits in the window and "chirps" at the birds. She also meows non-stop. Seriously...NON. STOP.

We have the mentally-challenged Mastiff (sorry Magnum) who still hasn't figured out the most basic animal instinct. Yes, I'm talking about THAT. Poor Bullitt gets so excited at feeding time that he knocks over the water bucket EVERY DAY. And Macy - well, she's just Macy. Or as my friend calls her, Cujo. Let's not forget our first Mastiff, Ginger, who broke my hand dragging me down the street!

One of our former horses, Shelby, was a master at injuring humans. She once threw Don off her back, then tried to roll over him. On purpose. She got me with my back turned and gave me the bum rush. It was like a scene in a movie where the character goes face down in the mud. And ouch!

We have chickens who eat the dog food and a dog that eats chicken scratch. We once had a murderous giant rooster named "Big Don" who would chase us around the yard. (I really can't tell you the story behind the name, but believe me when I say HILARIOUS!) We've had hens that would get lost and roosters that limped. We currently have a rooster who has some crazy neck thing that makes him look like he has epilepsy.

There are the "Did he/she really say that?!" moments:

Around the time Tessa was age 3, her dad took her to a golf course. Having never been there before, he was looking carefully for the place. He told Tessa to keep her eye out for a sign that said, "Golf Course." She replied, "You look for it, Daddy. I CAN'T READ!!"

Last week, when I wore a red striped sweater, Tessa told me, "Freddie Kruger called; he wants his sweater back." In a rare moment of brilliance, I replied, "He called you, too. He wants his face back. BOOM!!!" Mother of the year right here, folks!

One day while I was sweeping with a new broom, Don inquired if I had "bought a new car." Hardy har har.

Yeah, we've had weird/funny/crazy things going on for a long time now. And it's true that you have to laugh at them. Besides, crying just ruins my mascara...