Chasing Ghosts

One of the questions new visitors often ask about our old house is this: "Do you have ghosts?" Our answer is always, "We're not sure." How do you answer that? No, we've never seen a "ghost." But do we have things that haunt us? Of course we do!

When I think of "ghosts" or "hauntings", I don't think of them in the usual sense. To me, ghosts can occur in many forms: a mistake from the past; a regret; a missed loved one; etc. My ghost that haunts me is easy to identify - it's my mom.

Of course, I don't mean that my mom appears to me in spirit form. If she did, I'd be sitting in an asylum right now. But she is always with me, whether I want her or not! And, good or bad, she has shaped my life and made me who I am today.

Those who know my mom know what a force of nature she was. She never backed away from an opinion and made sure we knew who was in charge. She wasn't mean, but she could certainly hurt you when you let her guard down. My sisters and I all had different relationships with Mom, but to me, she was usually kind and loving. She was my mom.

When Mom died, I went through a breakdown. It wasn't that noticeable to the world around me, but it nearly destroyed me. My marriage suffered to the point we weren't sure we could make it through the storm. I drank too much, slept too much, neglected my family and my friends. I was a wreck.

Thank God I have a husband who loves me enough that he stuck around. And, as time went on, I healed. I realized that I could survive and even thrive without my mom . But there are still times when I need her, and that's when I know she's still around.

Do you ever get a sudden cold chill for no reason? Me, too. And when it happens, I know that Mom is watching over me. When my child is in trouble, and I give her "that face", I know that's Mom. I see her in the mirror and when I look at my hands. I know she's there when I pick out clothing or decorate my house. I don't have her flair for gardening, though, so I wish she could haunt me a little more there!

Yes, I miss her. I feel cheated that she's not around to help me raise my child and that Tessa only had five short years with her. I miss her when I have a simple question about a recipe, or a flower, or any number of things she excelled at. And I just miss her. Her love, her class, her beauty, and even her insults! But she's still here. Haunting me every day. And I really don't mind.

P.S. If you're wondering why I was thinking of Mom so much lately, it's because of this: Triple Lanolin Hand Lotion. Mom wore it every day. I recently bought some, and it's like she's never left.