Quiet...Genius at Work

I don’t like to brag, but I’m sort of a genius.  Oh, not one of those IQ-test kind of geniuses, or the Einstein-type of genius; I’m more of the Forrest Gump brand of genius.  I have years-long periods of dumbness interrupted quite infrequently by a brilliant flash of intelligence.  Today, I had one of those flashes.  And so, I give to you:

THE THEORY OF RELATIVE MENOPAUSATURE

Doesn’t that sound GENIUS???  It has a long, made-up word in it and everything!  Besides that, any title that has “theory” and “relative” in it HAS to be important, right?  Right? Hello?

Here’s how the theory works:

Any woman over the age of 45 will tell you that her body is changing in all kinds of freaky ways.  Things sag and shift and grow and stretch; it’s just not pretty.   One of the biggest changes, and my personal favorite, is the change in body temperature.  98.6 degrees?  Pffft.  Not even close.  We haven’t had a body temperature of 98.6 degrees since we weighed 98.6 pounds.  Nope; we “mature” women have a temperature zone of our own.  The equation to measure this is as follows:

Age x Outdoor Temperature = Body Temperature

For example: a woman much, much older than I…let’s say 48…ahem…and an outdoor temperature of 93, the high in our area today…her body temperature would be 48x93, or 4,464 degrees.

See? Was I right, or what?!   Can I get an AMEN from my sister friends??  And if the humidity is really high, you use the heat index temperature.  Today’s highest index was 103.  Accordingly, my that woman’s body temperature was 4,944 degrees.

I don’t know why someone didn’t figure this out before.  But now that I have changed modern thinking and the future of Mankind, I shall sit here in my own pool of sweat and await the call from the Nobel Prize committee.  Let’s see, the average temperature in Stockholm in December is 34 degrees, which would make my temperature…mumble, mumble, mumble…I’d better pack short sleeves.  Just in case of a heat wave.